You know the dialogue balloons in cartoons which indicate ZZZZZZ when the character falls asleep? This column is about a few episodes of cartoon life under the leadership of certain men of impeccable stature and talent, including, but, for a change, not limited to Our Heroes. Is Anybody Out There I realize that when I write about Our Heroes I [New York State Govenor George Pataki] and II [New York City Mayor Rudolph Guiliani], both Republicans, it may seem as if I had a Democratic axe to grind. Not so. It’s just that they are the Governor of the State and the Mayor of New York City. I can hardly take shots at fictitious office holders. In an effort to be even handed, however, today I decided to write about Democrats and Presidential candidates.
ZZZZZZZZZZ Boring!!! What would happen if we rolled both Bush and Gore together? We’d get, you’ve got it: Bore.
Not wanting to dwell on the past, Bush, however, has apparently had bouts, if not problems with, alcohol and drugs (he refuses to deny the latter, which means he can’t, because there’s somebody out there who will call his bluff). In addition, he seems to be, plain and simple. That’s the whole thought. He seems to be both plain and simple. Say hello, and he has to think about an answer. Put all those qualities together, and it doesn’t bode well for international affairs.
Gore. He seems to be as personable as a Vaseline sandwich. Well, maybe that’s too strong. He seems as personable as a sandwich of two slices of white bread. Hey! Somebody forgot to put something in here.ZZZZZZZZZZStep Up, Step Back
How Far Did We Go
Remember all that money we were going to get from the ‘Cigarette Settlement’? Geniuses like Our Hero I and II – here we go again – are already counting that money to draw up future budgets. Let’s see, we can buy a Hummer for Dad, a diamond pendant for Mom, and we’ll all take a vacation to the islands – only thing, the settlement is directly tied to the sale of cigarettes. A drop in sales, and the amount of the settlement is directly reduced – that’s right, reduced.
And what does our Hero I do to influence cigarette sales? Why, he doubles the cigarette tax, which statistics have proven, directly reduces the number of smokers, which, of course, reduces the number of sales, which, of course, reduces revenue, etc. etc. Additionally, the State is going to pay millions for an ad campaign to deter people from smoking – which reduces the number of smokers, which reduces – etc., etc. ….ZZZZZZZ
Are these budget planners serious, or what?
Has Our Hero II stood For Anything yet?
Awaking from the short naps that my scintillating subjects force me into, brings me back to a previous observation about Our Hero II. Although he hasn’t announced officially yet that he a Senatorial candidate – which keeps him from having to put forth an agenda or platform – we have all surmised, suspected that he is, in fact, a Senatorial candidate. And – you are now handed an engraved envelope, which you open expectantly, “and his program is – ”ZZZZZZZZ
I assure you that you can instantly shut up all those Guiliani supporters who say what a great job he’s done for New York City – which is basically if hollowly, his only platform – with the question, “What does he stand for? Can you name a single program or issue that he is for?ZZZZZZZ
When will all this absolute nonsense end? Megalomaniacs, otherwise unemployable politicians, intent of saying anything in order to have you vote them a job, throwing themselves in front of other people’s subjects, ideas, controversies, looking as dumb as they really are when asked to expound – like Our Hero I, who has presidential ambitions of his own, when asked a question that has international import, like, where are the Canary Islands, anyway?
When will it end? When you and I elect Al Lewis, GrandPa from the Munsters, the next senator from New York. Let the word go out, from this day forth, we’re tired as hell of these useless warts called candidates, and we’re not going to take it anymore.